


I will remember how you kissed me

by supercali



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Teen AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-14 18:19:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16045976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercali/pseuds/supercali
Summary: “Robert will keep an eye on you, won’t you pet?” Aaron rolls his eyes as he stands on the step outside the pub, Diane and his Mum seeing him off like he’s five years old ready for his first day.He looks over at the older boy, tie knotted neatly and tucked into his shirt, school jumper just so under his coat, shirt properly tucked in, looking every inch the school swot, exactly the last thing Aaron needed. Then again he didn’t want to be going to school at all. He had no intention of staying on and passing his exams was as likely as making the starting lineup for England so what was the point.





	I will remember how you kissed me

**Author's Note:**

> Written for @illgetmerope as part of tumblr's robron fandom compliments week :)

Three years. It’s a long time but it feels like it was only yesterday that he left. He can still remember his Mum’s sobs as he drove away, not understanding any of it and he couldn’t find it in him to tell her.

Now he’s grown up, mostly. Finding your way in a foreign country will do that he supposes.

He’s only back because he can’t put it off any longer after the photograph appeared in the newspapers and his Mum and the family haven’t stopped calling so in the end it was easier to give in and book a flight.

Now he’s here he remembers how stifling it could feel and he wants to hide, or run. He never could be here without him. Hadn’t that been why he’d taken Cain up on his offer in the first place.

The pub should be his first stop, see his Mum, tell her everything that she doesn’t already know, but something pulls him to the garage. It’ll be shut, he can just be for a while before facing everyone. He feels out of place in his nice clothes, a huge change from before but then he’s changed too hasn’t he.

He’s out of luck though as he sees the doors are open and before he can turn back a voice rings out.

“Be with you in a minute mate!”

“Robert?” All of a sudden he’s stuck, unable to move as he’s thrown back into memories.

*****

3 years earlier

“I don’t want to be getting phone calls off your teachers, do you hear? This school, it’s your last chance, so behave.” He grimaced as she tightened his tie, that would be loosened the second he got outside, brushed his shoulders and stared back at him. “Understand?”

“Yes.” It wasn’t worth arguing. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t like school, that he liked messing around instead of working out Pythagoras’ rule or whatever. The last exclusion hadn’t even been his fault, but he was the one with the reputation so he got the blame. He’d just been shipped back to his Mum’s, left for her to deal with. “Why are you so bothered? You left school at fourteen, you told me!”

“And I’m your mother, so you’ll do as I say. Now get! Robert’s waiting outside.” He can’t help grumbling as she pushes him along, he’d forgotten about her great idea of him needing someone to show him round.

“Robert will keep an eye on you, won’t you pet?” Aaron rolls his eyes as he stands on the step outside the pub, Diane and his Mum seeing him off like he’s five years old ready for his first day.

He looks over at the older boy, tie knotted neatly and tucked into his shirt, school jumper just so under his coat, shirt properly tucked in, looking every inch the school swot, exactly the last thing Aaron needed. Then again he didn’t want to be going to school at all. He had no intention of staying on and passing his exams was as likely as making the starting lineup for England so what was the point.

“Come on then, or we’ll miss the bus.” He rolls his eyes, plays nice until they’re out of earshot of his Mum. If they think he’s hanging round him all day they’ve got another thing coming. “What have you got first lesson?”

“You can give up the whole concerned act." He’s seen him about the village a few times but he doesn’t want to get to know anyone, he’s not planning on sticking around.

“Or you could drop the attitude. I’m not the one you’re mad at.”

“Some kind of expert are ya?” He’s trying to untangle his headphones so he can drown him out but they end up falling out of his hands onto the floor under the seat in front. “Fuck!”

Robert reaches for them, “Here. I know about fighting with your parents if that’s what you mean.”

“That’s what you think this is? She doesn’t want me here anymore than I want to be here. As soon as I’m sixteen I’m off, so you don’t need to bother.” When they got to the stop at the school he’d stalked away from Robert. He didn’t need a babysitter.

*****

He’s hanging round the cricket pavilion, anything to avoid his Mum’s nagging and it’s the best place to smoke without being caught, when he sees him again, arguing with someone, probably his Dad. He looks different in his jeans and denim jacket, less like a swot anyway. It gives him time to study the older boy a bit more closely, tall, blonde hair being messed up by the wind and he’s almost transfixed as they shout at each other, the odd word reaching him on the breeze, and it’s not long before the older man storms off leaving Robert standing there, head down, fists clenched.

“You alright?” Robert’s head whips round towards him and he’s climbing the hill, and honestly who builds a cricket pitch on a hill, collapsing onto the steps beside him. “Want one?”

“Nah. Thought you didn’t want anything to do with me. Swot, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah well, there’s no one else around this dump is there. You’ll have to do. That your Dad?”

“Don’t want to talk about him.” Aaron understands that, isn’t going to push, although part of him is curious.

“Fair enough.”

“I haven’t even done anything. He just wants any excuse to have a go at me.” He rests back against the rail, fingers scratching at the peeling paint. “So, haven’t seen you around school.”

“Told ya, there’s no point. As long as I turn up to registration they’re not going to give a toss. Only another couple of months and I’m free.”

“But...don’t you want more than that? Don’t you want to pass your exams?”

“I’m a Dingle, we don’t get more than that. We either end up in prison or with some tinpot job somewhere.”

“But if you stayed at school...” Aaron scoffs because it’s not that easy, not for him anyway, not anymore.

“Can’t all be swots like you with your perfect uniform and good grades.”

“I’m not a swot.” He laughs as he pushes against his shoulder and the sound is nice, calming almost. “I want to be able to go and never look back. We’re not that different really. We could be mates I reckon.”

He thinks they couldn’t be more different and he doesn’t know why he’s sitting here, except he does and he doesn’t want to think about it.

“Yeah, mates.”

*****

Autumn turns to winter and winter as always drags on. His birthday has come and gone and he’s still here the big plan of leaving having never come, the days passing in a never ending cycle of school and boredom, the only bright spot being Robert. It’s not like they hang out everyday but he knows he’s there, always knows he can rely on him for backup when he wants to sneak out. What he doesn’t do is focus on how he feels about him, fights it as hard as he can. It carries on like that until one morning he sees him on the bus he’s got a black eye.

“Andy do that?” Wouldn’t be the first time from what he’s heard.

“No. Leave it alone.”

No matter how hard Aaron pushes he won’t tell him anything, pushes him away so hard that Aaron snaps. If that’s what you get for caring he’d rather not. He gets up to move to another seat.

“Aaron, wait.” He stops, swaying as the bus moves, never one to back down easily. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bit your head off.”

He sits back down but he doesn’t answer, just keeps himself turned away slightly, just to make a point.

It’s hard to put into words what they are. More than mates, but friends to Aaron always sounds weird. All he knows is how he feels and he can deny it to himself all he likes but what he wants is to be more than friends, even though he knows Robert probably doesn’t feel the same. He’s not even really dealing with it himself.

“You want to do something after school?” He tries because it’s Robert and yeah he might be a bit of a twat sometimes but he wouldn’t be Robert if he weren’t.

“Like what?” He hisses as he rubs at his face without thinking, catching his eye.

“Town or somethin’. Get some tea.” The grateful smile almost makes him want to run because he’s not used to anyone really wanting to do things with him for no other reason than they like him. It’s not like he’s going to turn down a chance to spend more time with him either

“Yeah, that’d be good.”

“I’ll meet you by the gate then.” He grabs his rucksack as the bus stops.

“You gonna stay today or bunk off again?” It’s the same question as always when they catch the bus together and he rolls his eyes.

“Bit boring roaming round on your own, might as well stay in the warm I reckon. See ya then.” He remembers too late that he hadn’t shared his news and he’s annoyed because for one thing he’s actually pretty proud of himself, and for another he really cares about what Robert thinks.

*****

“I need a new shirt, you want to come with me or stay here?” Robert asks him when they get into town. Hotten’s not all that, but there’s a few decent shops and enough places to keep them occupied for a couple of hours. He’s not stupid, he knows Robert doesn’t want to go home, it’s why he’d suggested it in the first place.

“You’re askin’ for my opinion?”

“I was thinking more of looking after my stuff.” Robert laughs, “I’ve seen your idea of fashion Aaron, those trackies of yours aren’t confidence building.”

“Do you want my help or not. What do you want a new shirt for anyway?”

“Me, Andy, Katie and Donna are going out next week for Andy’s birthday. Donna’s mate is getting ID, I don’t know, I stopped listening. Anything to get out of the village for a bit.”

“Now you’re getting it! Go on, idiot, find your shirt. I’m starving.”

He thought he’d be bored hanging round while Robert tries on shirt after shirt, and he is, but he doesn’t mind. He is hungry though and when they finally make their way outside he just wants to find the nearest place he can.

“Fancy some chips?” Robert’s obviously on the same wavelength.

“As long as you get scraps.”

“I’m paying then?”

“Your idea mate.”

They eat them sat on a wall not far from the bus stop, the crunchy scraps the perfect accompaniment to the fat greasy chips.

“So the world didn’t end then? You spent the day in school...”

“Shut your face. I er, I need maths and that don’t I if I’m going to be a mechanic.” He can’t help the wide smile that goes alongside his words.

“That’s new.”

“Cain reckons if I get decent marks I can get on a college course easy, help him out in the garage the rest of the time until I’m qualified.”

“That’s great Aaron, really.”

“It’s not uni or nothing like you.”

“So? You’ll be earning money long before me. Don’t put yourself down. Uni isn’t the be all and end all but it’s my way of getting out.”

“Away from your Dad?” Robert looks at him sharply. “I’m not stupid Robert, if it wasn’t Andy, that only leaves him. We’re mates, aren’t we? You can tell me.” He stares at him for the longest time and he’s about to say it doesn’t matter when he speaks, voice quiet.

“He saw me kissing some lad in town. Told me Jack Sugden’s son isn’t going to be _gay._ Me being bi didn’t make a blind bit of difference, doubt he even knows what it means.” His eyes widen a little can’t think what to say, but he’s more than a little honoured at the trust Robert’s putting in him, and, well he’s surprised too.

“Sorry.”

“You didn’t do it, did ya? I just don’t want to be here anymore, with him. I want more to my life than a tiny village, scrapin’ together a living, not being who I am.” He knows he doesn’t mean it, not like that but he can’t help the spike of hurt at his words and he screws up his chip papers and lobs them into the nearest bin, grabbing his bag and walking off. Maybe he should tell him.

“Aaron? Aaron, wait! I didn’t mean it like that.” He doesn’t get far before Robert grabs his shoulder, spinning him round. “I didn’t...that’s not...I didn’t mean what you were doing is...”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it. I have to go.”

“Where?”

“Home. I need to, Robert.”

“Is it me? Now you know I’m bi?” He looks like a little boy, waiting to be hit again or something and Aaron wants to both cry and laugh, laugh because Robert is so much braver than him, standing up to his Dad, telling him the truth, and cry because it’s unfair what’s happened to him.

“No. Don’t be daft. You’re still you, aren’t ya.”

‘Really?” He actually hates Jack Sugden right then, for making him doubt himself.

“Yes. It’s not that, not you. It’s me. You just...you told me that, not knowing how I’d react.”

“I trust you.” He was telling the truth, he could tell. Maybe, just maybe it‘s time. “Aaron...talk to me, what is it?”

“I...I’m...” He can’t, the words are stuck, and Robert’s just staring at him with a look, like he gets it and he can’t tear his gaze away. He does it before he can help himself, pressing forwards, lips meeting in a rush and then he’s moving away just as quick, not quite able to believe he did it.

“Aaron...” He sounds stunned, confused and Aaron thinks maybe a little mad, but maybe he’s imagining it, being mad at himself.

“Forget it.” He’s not going to stand around to be rejected. So he runs.

It’s Friday busy enough in the bar that he can get home and upstairs before his Mum sees him, locking himself in his room away from everyone. Why didn’t he just tell him, why did he have to kiss him. He’s been trying to push it to the back of his mind because surely nothing good could come of it and then there was that bit of hope that maybe, and now he’s ruined it and lost Robert as his friend in the process most likely.

*****

He wakes up still in his uniform, sprawled on top of the bed, and his phone ringing. Robert. He rejects it and sits up, eyes full of grit and head pounding like it always does when he sleeps too much.

He’s supposed to be helping Cain at the garage this morning but he’s not in the mood for a rollicking for being late.

“Aaron! You’re going to be late!”

Somehow he manages to drag himself into the shower and downstairs, his Mum tutting disapprovingly as he slams the bread into the toaster.

“What’s got into you? Not the best start to helping our Cain is it? Late on your first day. You know he’s giving you a chance, wouldn’t kill you to try.”

“Will you get off my back! I’m goin’!”

“You can drop the attitude as well.”

He slams out of the back door and drags his feet to the garage. Cain’s not impressed, oh he doesn’t say anything but the look is enough, and sets him about washing cars. He knows better than to complain.

It’s almost lunchtime when he looks up and sees Robert at the top of the road, hands shoved in his jeans pockets, eye still purple, looking nervous.

“What happened to ‘im then?”

“None of your business is it. Can I go?”

“You’ve been neither use nor ornament all morning. Go on, scram. Monday after school though, right?” He throws the sponge in the bucket and takes off the overalls, before walking towards Robert.

“What?”

“You didn’t answer my calls.”

“Didn’t that tell you I don’t want to talk.” He walks a bit faster trying to put space between them but Robert just catches him up.

“You kissed me Aaron, and I want to know...was it some kind of joke because of what I said or...”

“Or what?” He shakes him off when Robert grabs his arm and runs the rest of the way to the pavilion, Robert following not far behind. “Go away Robert.”

“No.” He just stands his ground, face unsure still.

“It wasn’t a joke.” He relents. “I wouldn’t do that.”

“I...I know you wouldn’t. I just...what was it then?”

“It doesn’t matter, just leave it.”

“No. You know what I think? That was your way of telling me something and I wanted you to know it’s ok, you can trust me.”

“You just...after what your Dad did, you still told me and I can’t even say it.” Robert just sighs and flops down beside him.

“So? Doesn’t mean you won’t one day. There’s no rulebook is there? I won’t say anything to anyone though, you know that.” He nods. “Do you want to do something?”

“Like what?” It was freezing out so hopefully whatever he came up with it was indoors.

“You’ve got Fifa don’t you? We’ll start there and see what happens.”

*****

“Oi Dingle!” He’s on his way back to the pub with milk after a nagging from his Mum for finishing it all when Robert jogs up to him, the rain that’s just started falling already making his hair damp

“What?”

“Want to do something?” He laughs because obviously Robert does and he’s expected to go along with it. The eager face is a dead giveaway. Things have been better since their chat in the pavilion and they’ve settled back into their easy teasing friendship.

“Like what?” He asks as Robert follows him into the back room. “I’m not playing Fifa again, you bloody cheat.”

“We could...I dunno, picnic or something.”

“How old are you? Picnic! It’s bloody freezing!” He slams the milk into the fridge, wanting to laugh at Robert’s pout. “It’s also going to piss down.”

“Fine then. Give me half an hour. Meet me outside the village hall.” He nods and shakes his head as Robert rushes out of the room.

He spends the time trying to tidy his room with as little effort as possible to keep his Mum happy until it’s time to meet him.

He makes his way to the hall but Robert’s not there. The door is slightly ajar though so he goes in and laughs as he finds Robert perched on the edge of the stage, legs swinging back and forth.

“You broke in?”

“I did not! I had a key.” He’s laughing at Aaron’s confused face and if it was anyone else it would be annoying. “Dad’s got some farmer’s meeting or something tomorrow and he’s got the spare key. I might’ve borrowed it. Come on, I’ve got food.”

“You’re bloody mad. What if he finds out?” He lifts himself up beside him nonetheless, grabbing a bag of cheese and onion, plonking down the cans he’d managed to pilfer from the fridge before he left.

“He’s busy, showing Andy how to fix the tractor. They’ll be hours. Relax, Aaron.”

“What’s this little act of rebellion about then?” He asks when they’re into the cans, laid back on the stage, staring at the ceiling. “Has your Dad…”

“No. I mean he’s not talking to me but other than that...I wanted to talk.”

“About what?” Stupid question. He knows what it’s about. Robert’s using that soft voice of his after all.

“You kissed me, and...was it...do you…”

“Robert, don’t.” He rolls over to sit up facing away from him. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does, because I didn’t mind you know. Kinda liked it.” He looks over, sees his serious face and sighs. “It’s fine if you don’t...I know you’re not ready to...I’m making a right mess of this...I’m here if...just wanted you to know.”

“I can’t tell anyone.” That’s what it came down to really, his Mum, Uncle Zak, Cain. He couldn’t bear it if they turned against him. “What would they say?”

“It’s their problem Aaron.”

“So you don’t want your Dad to turn round and tell you he’s fine with it?” His face drops and he feels guilty.

“Course I do, but it’s his problem. You can’t change who you are for them.” He knows that, but he’s only just found them, finally feels like he belongs somewhere. He doesn’t want to lose them.

“It’s just a bit…”

“Overwhelming.” He nods. “Well that’s why I’m here, so you can talk to me, yeah? Whenever you want.”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t tell him that it means more to him than anything else. They don’t say anything for a while, finishing their beers, the only sound is the crunch as they work their way through the crisps.

“Hey, lay back down.” Robert’s almost giggling as he pulls out his phone, the alcohol seemingly gone to his head already.

“No! You’re not taking my photo, Robert.” He shoves at his shoulder laughing.

“I am. Go on!”

He huffs but he falls back onto the stage, shoving Robert again as he lays close, head curled towards him, phone held in the air, smile splitting his face as he takes the shot.

“There, see!” He shows him the photo and it’s not brilliant but it’s of the two of them so of course he likes it.

“Idiot.” He sits upright again. “Send it to me will ya?”

*****

It’s a few weeks later when it all starts to go wrong. It’s pouring with rain outside and he’s nearly asleep when his phone lights up. If it was anyone but Robert he wouldn’t answer. He can’t hear anything but the rain and panicked breathing.

“Robert?”

“I...Aaron, I need your help...please.”

“Where are you?” He’s already out of bed, pulling on his clothes one handed.

“Pavilion. Please.” He’s never heard him like this before and he’s instantly scared.

“I’m coming, stay there.” He’s confused because they were all supposed to be out in town and now Robert’s on his own and there’s something wrong.

He runs all the way, getting soaked. Robert’s sat on the porch out of the rain but still soaked to the skin, knees pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped round them, as small as he can make himself, and suddenly there’s something heavy in his stomach.

“Hey, I’m here. You’re freezing! Why didn’t you come to mine?’

“Couldn’t.” He’s not used to seeing him like this, small and full of...fear is it?

“Where are the others? You were out in town weren’t you?”

“They er...we missed the bus, so Andy...he was mad cos he got chucked out of the club, he nicked this car.” His eyes widen. “I was driving, I was the only one who hadn’t had a drink...Donna and Katie were fighting in the back and Andy was going on and on...God…”

“Robert, tell me what happened.”

“There was this bump. I didn’t see...Andy said it was a badger.”

“Maybe it was.” He sounds stupid even to himself. He wouldn’t be in this state for a bloody badger.

“I got out and looked.” He’s outright sobbing now, proper tears and Aaron doesn’t know what to do except put his arms around him until he stops. “It was Miss Strickland, Aaron. I killed the headmistress! God, I’m going to be sick.”

He can’t do anything but push him towards the edge of the porch and rub his back as he throws up whatever’s in his stomach, wanting to do the same thing himself.

“Where’s Andy and the others?” He asks again raging that they might have left him in this state.

“I told them I’d sort it, sent them home.” He looks up, blue eyes still clear enough even in the darkness. “What do I do Aaron? I’ll go to prison, won’t I? I can’t...I can’t do it, Aaron.”

It feels like their roles are reversed and he’s the older, sensible one who should know what to do, should have all the answers but he doesn’t. There’s only one thing he can think of to do.

“Come with me, out of the rain. We’ll sort it.” He knows they should call the police, but if he does who knows what Robert will do. No, he needs help. He grabs his phone from his pocket and sends a text, praying it’ll be picked up.

He leads Robert through the village thankful it’s late enough that no one should see them. He can’t go back to the pub in this state, not yet at least.

“What are we doing here?” He asks as Aaron finds the key for the garage under the wheel of the truck.

“It’s dry and no one will find us. In.” He pushes the door open. It’s still cold but it’s dry at least. “Right, sit, and I’ll put the kettle on.”

“A cup of tea won’t fix it!”

“No, but while we wait it’ll warm us up.”

“Wait for what?” Robert’s shaking now, from cold or shock he’s not sure but he shrugs his coat off and wraps it round his shoulders.

“For help.” Robert’s immediately agitated and he pushes him back down on the seat. “Hey, you trust me, right? You called me, let me help.”

“Right, I don’t know what you’re playin’ at but…” They both jump as the door bangs open. “What’s he doing here?”

“You called Cain?”

“He can help. Can’t you?” He stares his Uncle down. Not many people can, maybe his Mum but that’s it. He manages it though and turns to Robert. “Tell him what happened.”

To his credit Robert does, voice soft and faltering and Cain listens until he’s finished before he pulls Aaron outside.

“You have to help him.”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything! Give me a reason.” He can give him loads but that’ll mean telling him and he can’t because for one they aren’t anything. Then again they won’t be if he loses him, but even so it won’t help anything right now.

“Because he’s my mate, and if it was me you’d already be out there sorting it.”

“Pretty sure of yourself aren’t you?” The older man sighs rubbing his face. “Where’ve you been all night?”

“My room.”

“Right, take him there now, _don’t_ say anything to anyone. Tell him to call the others, tell ‘em to keep their gobs shut until I talk to them. Can you do that?” He nods. “You know, you could end up in a lot of trouble if this goes wrong. Is he that good a friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Right then, get him home.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Never you mind. All you need to know is I’m sorting it.”

*****

“Here, call the others and go clean up.” He hands him some trackies and a t-shirt. “Cain will call when he can.”

“You really think he’ll sort it?” He doesn’t like Robert like this, so timid and small. He wants the cocky twat back.

“He said he would.”

“I could lose everything. I...why did I listen to fuckin’ Andy! Kate hates me, I bet she’ll be the first to run to the police. I can’t do it Aaron, I can’t, I won’t make it!” He’s proper working himself up again, voice raised and Aaron’s worried he’ll wake his Mum or Diane and then who knows where they’ll be.

“Robert! Listen to me, you’re not going to prison, you’re not! Go and shower, it’ll be ok. Trust me.” It has the desired effect, he’s calmer and he goes to the shower. When he’s gone Aaron drops to the bed shaking. The trust in his eyes scared him because how could he promise anything. He was completely out of his depth.

They don’t say much all night. Robert’s in his bed, him on the floor. All they’d heard from Cain was *it’s done.*

*****

Thankfully his Mum doesn’t ask many questions the next morning and Robert stays until they hear from Cain again, ordering them to the pavilion with everyone else.

“What’s he doing here?” Andy asks, facing up to Robert the minute he sees Aaron.

“Pipe down, idiot. He’s the reason you’re not all in a cell right now.” Cain comes to their rescue, again before he puts the fear of God into them all, telling them he’s burnt out the car, that as far as anyone is concerned, if it comes to it, the car was fine when they left it. Donna and Katie leave pretty fast after and Aaron’s wondering just how confident Robert is that they’ll keep quiet considering they’d been the most vocal about going to the police.

“I can’t believe you got Cain involved. He’s a Dingle!” Aaron goes for him at that, only stopped by Robert’s tight grip on his arm. He can complain about his family all he likes, Andy Sugden doesn’t get to say a word.

“Unlike you Andy, I can’t rely on Dad to bail me out when I’ve killed someone, can I?”

“What do you mean by that?” Aaron can’t help himself from asking. He doesn’t think he’ll ever understand the two of them and the relationship they have.

“Get lost Rob. You’re just scared you can’t hack it in prison.” This time it’s Aaron holding Robert back.

“Are you two for real? You’re meant to be working together! You’re worse than toddlers.” He’s not staying here anymore, storms off not even bothering to look at Robert.

“Aaron, wait up!” He doesn’t, slows his pace a little, that’s all. “Can I come to yours? He’s driving me mad.”

“You’re _both_ driving me mad! What did you mean before, about your Dad?”

“Not here.”

*****

He’s wide awake again, again on the floor. Robert snoring away softly above him. He can’t sleep, can’t get what he’d told him out of his head. He’d known his Mum was dead but no one had ever said it was because of Andy.

It all made sense, Robert wanting to leave, even without all that happened with that lad. How did he live with Andy every day? Accident or not. He’d told him it wasn’t that so much although that was enough, no it was more that the two of them had lied to him, that’d felt like he didn’t matter.

“You awake?”

“Yeah.” He sits up, Robert’s facing him, and he tries to ignore how good he looks, all sleep rumpled, because now is definitely not the time. “You alright?”

“Did I say thank you? For all this, you didn’t have to.”

“You know why I did.” They didn’t talk about, but it was in everything they did and surely he knew, he must do.

“Come up here. No point you laying on the hard floor.” He does, tucks himself under the duvet against the cold, on his side facing him again. “You want to watch TV or…”

“Kiss me.” He might not have said the words, but he knows what he wants and Robert knows. Maybe he can take the strength from him.

“Yeah?” He nods, sure.

It’s nice, over too fast and he tastes of Aaron’s toothpaste and very slightly lingering garlic from the pizza order, and him being him he has to take the piss a little, making Robert roll away laughing. It’s the first time since everything and it’s worth it.

“So...that happened. You ok?” He is, he really is, and he nods, pulling him closer again just to make sure.

*****

It can’t last, nothing good ever does and it’s another dark night a few days later when his bedroom door flies open and Robert’s there, breathing fast, face full of panic.

“What is it?”

“The police, they’re at ours.” They’d already done a door to door the day before so this isn’t good. They must know. He drags him in and shuts the door. “I was upstairs. Andy’s on that trip isn’t he...I heard them. Bloody Katie! I heard them, they let it slip, so I climbed out the window. I didn’t know where else to go.”

“They’ll look here.”

“I know. I had to see you. I don’t have a choice, I have to leave.”

“What? No, you can’t. Robert you can’t ever come back if you do.” He can’t lose him, not now, not when they were finally something.

“If I go to prison, I’ve lost everything anyway.”

“No, that’s not...when it’s done you can come home and carry on. You’re not eighteen yet, it’ll be young offenders won’t it? You can do your exams. If you’re on the run, it’s over.”

“I…”

“If you go back, explain how scared you were, it might help.” He probably shouldn’t be so selfish but he needed him to stay, to be there. “Robert think about it. Your future...it’s over if you run

“I’m scared.” It’s muffled, he’s got his head in his hands and his back is rigid when Aaron touches him.

“I know, but I’m not going anywhere, whatever happens. If you leave, I’m coming with you.”

“No! I’m not ruining your life too.” He sighs. “I don’t have a choice do I? How would I even get anywhere.”

They don’t speak for ages, just holding onto each other until there’s a knock on the door downstairs and then his room is just full, of police, of Jack and his Mum with matching disapproving faces. He feels cold as Robert pulls his hand away.

“Sorry, Dad.” Robert sniffs, breath hitching on his words.

“I know, son. Come on.” Robert looks at his hand, and then back at Aaron and all he can do is smile, try and be encouraging.

He can’t do anything but watch as he goes, the thump of footsteps on the stairs, only his Mum left behind looking at him, and he can’t  figure out what that expression is.

“Did you know about this?”

“Yeah.” No point lying is there. “He called me the night it happened.”

“Oh Aaron.”

“Just leave it Mum. I’m going to bed.” He can still feel the lack of warmth from Robert letting go of his hand.

“It’s only 8.”

“I’m tired.” She doesn’t say anything else, just shuts the door behind her leaving him alone.

*****

It’s two days before he hears from Robert. He knows he’s home, the gossip mill is full of it every time he steps into the bar but there’d been nothing from Robert himself. Then when he does, it’s just a text.

*Pavilion?*

Robert’s there before him, sitting on the steps hunched over into his coat. He looks tired.

“Alright? How did it go?” It feels awkward, and strange, so completely different to a few days ago.

“They charged me with death by dangerous driving. Not everyone that can say that is it?” His voice is harsh and Aaron’s edge because this isn’t the Robert he knows.

“Rob…”

“It’s alright. Done now isn’t it.” He looks down at his hands, frowning slightly. “Solicitor says it’ll be a couple of months until the sentencing.”

“Well no one at school better say anythin’.” Robert smiles and shakes his head.

“I won’t be at school Aaron. I’m going to my Gran’s until the date comes through. We’re going this afternoon. That’s why I…”

“You’re just goin’?”

“I can’t be here, everyone knowing, watching. I can’t handle it. It’ll be easier at Gran’s.” He’s stunned and can’t say anything for a long time. He wants to be selfish and make it all about him but he can’t can he? “Dad says it’s for the best.”

“So he says jump and you ask how high?”

“No, Aaron. I need him on my side right now! I can’t do this alone, don’t you get that?”

“I...you’ve got me.”

“No...there’s no choice.”

“So this is goodbye? Just like that. Now I’ve helped ya, you don’t want to know?”

“It’s not like that Aaron. I can’t think about anything else right now. You know I’m grateful and if it was different…”

“Grateful? I don’t want you to be grateful! What about us? Are you dumping me?”

“We weren’t really anything, were we, so I can’t be dumping you can I?” His voice is flat and he can’t tell if he really means it, doesn’t rightly want to give him the chance to find out because he feels like something’s broken and it hurts.

“You don’t mean that. I know you don’t.”

“I’m sorry if you thought otherwise.”

“You know I did, don’t act like you didn’t know that or feel the same way. You’re just pushing me away!”

“No, I’m not. It wasn’t what you thought it was. I have to go Aaron.” Aaron shook his head, wouldn’t look at him, couldn’t believe he’d said what he did and was now just going to leave. Just like that. He can’t even speak as he gets up. It won’t make a difference anyway.

He shouldn’t have been so stupid to believe any of it was real.

*****

He shuts himself in his room, refusing to come out when his Mum says tea is ready, doesn’t want to face anyone.

The next few weeks drag by, once more on his own, only realising how much he’d come to rely on Robert being there, at the bus stop every day. He kept going though, somehow managing to get decent marks in the subjects he needed, which kept his Mum off his back and Cain pleased enough.

Sometimes he’d hear Diane talking about Robert in the backroom, eavesdropping as she told his Mum how she was getting on, never saying when he’d be home. He could tell himself that Robert had only done what he did to push him away, or that he didn’t care about him anymore, but there was still that jolt of something when he heard his name.

Sometimes he sees Jack in the village and it takes everything in him not to say something.

He’s getting off the bus one day when he sees him next, following Jack into the cafe, not looking at anyone and he doesn’t see Aaron, and he’s relieved, carries on into the pub. He doesn’t sleep that night though, knowing if they’re back it means the date for his sentencing must be soon.

Robert can’t avoid him the next day as he heads to school, he’s sat outside on the pub benches in his suit, looking completely out of place.

“Hi.” He says when Aaron goes to walk past.

“You’re back then.” He grips the strap of his rucksack tight stopping him from doing what, he doesn’t know.

“Yeah, just waiting for Dad and Diane, before we go to court. How are you?”

“Me? I’m fine, just like always.” He can’t, it’s too hard talking to him like this. “I’ve gotta get the bus.”

“Aaron! I…” He gets up and for a minute Aaron thinks he’s going to kiss him but then he backs away. “Have a good day, yeah?”

“Yeah. Hope it goes alright an’ that.” Robert nods, shuffles a little and then Jack and Diane are there and his bus, so he runs.

*****

“Two years.” Is what he hears whispered when he goes into the cafe when he gets home. It can only be about Robert. He’d known the others had got community service for their part in it all a few days earlier, so it has to be him.

He doesn’t want to think about Robert in one of those places, all alone. Robert had made it clear it wasn’t his problem and maybe it’s time he let it go.

It’s not that easy though and his mood darkens so much that his Mum keeps asking about it, until he snaps over a soggy bowl of cornflakes and walks out, taking himself off until it’s time to be at the garage, knowing he’ll get earache there because his Mum is nothing if not predictable and she’ll have been onto Cain about it.

At least he’s still right about something he thinks as Cain’s on at him right away. “What’s going on kid?”

“Nothing. If it’s Mum askin’, tell her to keep her nose out.”

“She’s just worried about you. Is it Sugden? You did your best.”

“It’s nothing to do with him! It’s this place, everyone on at me all the time. It’s like I can’t breathe!” Cain doesn’t say anything, just grunts and leaves him to get on.

That’s not the end of it because he follows Aaron back to the pub after, makes him sit down in the back room with a can which immediately makes him curious.

“I’ve got a mate in France.”

“Good for you.”

“He’s part of this racing team. Spoke to him the other day, told me he’s looking for apprentices.”

“Apprentices don’t work on racing cars.”

“Of course not, but when they’re trained he takes the best ones on full time. You’d get the same education as you would at Hotten Tech, better probably, but this comes with accommodation and expenses.” He shoves a load of papers at him.

“What...you want me to go?” He sets the can down otherwise he’s likely to spill it. “But...I haven’t finished school.”

“You’d have to do that first, it’s what two months?”

“Well, yeah but…”

“You’re not happy here, are ya? I don’t need to know why, but you’re not are you?”

“Mum’ll kill you.” He can’t believe it, stuff like this doesn’t happen to him. He’d told Robert as much hadn’t he?

“Leave your mother to me. He needs to know by the weekend, so just think about it.” He rests a hand on Aaron’s shoulder as he gets up and then he’s gone.

It looks amazing he thinks, stretched out on his bed, can resting on his stomach as he reads the stuff Cain had left. Too good for him if he’s honest, but there’s a little voice, and he’s annoyed to find it sounds like Robert, telling him to go for it, to get away while he can.

*****

There’s something he has to do before he decides though and he looks it all up before going to Cain again.

“Am I your life coach or something now? Why me?”

“Mum won’t. You know how she was when she found out I knew about it. Please Cain.” The older man looks at him and for a minute he thinks he’s going to ask more questions but all he does is sigh.

“Fine.”

He should be pleased that Robert agrees to see him, had wondered if he would. Maybe he just wanted to see a familiar face. He’s looks ok, tired, less put together, hair flat rather than styled. Cain makes an excuse about coffee and leaves them alone. Aaron can’t decide if he’s just being unusually good hearted or if he suspects something.

“I didn’t expect to hear from you.”

“Yeah well...I have some news. How are you?”

He shrugs. “I’m alright. It’s not that bad really. What’s your news?”

“Rob…”

“Please...I don’t want to talk about me, this place. It’s all I get from Dad.”

“Fine. Cain’s got me an apprenticeship.”

“That’s good news, isn’t it?”

“It’s in France.” It’s tiny but he catches it before Robert can mask it, the drop in his face, disappointment etched all over it. “I don’t have to take it.”

He didn’t know why he’d had to come, Robert had made it all clear enough before. Maybe he was just a glutton for punishment, but if there was the slightest chance then he had to know.

“Don’t be daft. Why wouldn’t you?”

“Well...if you…”

“No, Aaron. You should take it. You can’t give up an opportunity like this.” He won’t look at him, can’t meet his eyes, just stares over his shoulder.

“But…”

“I meant what I said you know. There wasn’t anything between us.” Now he does look at him, eyes hard and cold.

“I don’t believe you.”

“I can’t help it if you’re holding onto something that wasn’t ever there. Take the job Aaron. You’ve got a life, go and live it.”

“Why are you being like this?”

“Look around Aaron. I’m in a young offenders unit. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with your...crush. I would give my high teeth for an opportunity like you’ve got and you’re going to throw it away over what? A kiss when I was all over the place?”

“At least you’re not denyin’ that happened.”

“It was a kiss, not a proposal of marriage. Go to France.” With that he slaps his hands on the table and pushes himself to his feet. Aaron’s too stunned to do anything but watch him go.

Decision made then.

“I’m in.” He tells Cain as they leave.

“Right. Now all you have to do is tell your Mum.”

*****

Present Day

Now as he stands facing Robert all he can think about is that conversation, where she refused to let him go. It had taken Cain, and Paddy to talk her down, only managing to convince her that all she would do is push him further away. He’d wanted to tell her everything, maybe would’ve if he’d had Robert there. Then again, none of it would’ve happened if he had been.

He missed her, missed the whole village, however much it was suffocating him but it had been the right thing, to leave. Now he was back though, there it all was again, right in front of him.

“I, er...no one said you’d be back.”

“Only just got here. Had to...I don’t know if you saw the paper.”

“Oh.” Robert blushes a little. “Yeah. That’s got to be tough.”

“Not really...only because Mum didn’t know.” He really doesn’t want to talk about this with Robert of all people. “I should’ve told her ages back but...anyway, you work here now?”

“Cain offered after...well you know.” It feels too awkward and wants to get away. He should’ve stayed away. Someone should’ve told him, then again why would they, they don’t know anything. “Not as exciting as you though, eh?”

“It’s pretty boring really. I, er...best get off, before someone tells her I’m here.”

“Oh yeah, right. See you around then.”

He nods and turns back, the change in circumstances almost makes him laugh. Here’s him with this amazing job and Robert who was going to go to Uni and who knows what else, in his old job at the garage. He’d wanted to ask, find out everything, but then he remembered all Robert had said back then and it stopped him.

It had taken him far too long to get over him. Robert had been right, they’d never been anything, not anything official but it had been something, he hadn’t imagined it all. He wasn’t going down that road again, it hurt too much the first time.

He was happy now, he had a good job to walk into, a flat, and then there was Ed. Having his and Ed’s picture splashed all over for everyone to see wasn’t how she should’ve found out. He’d never managed to shake that doubt about everyone’s reaction. He should’ve told her, when he got settled but he couldn’t change it now. This wasn’t the way he wanted it, should’ve known the risk of dating one of England’s best up and coming Rugby League players. She still didn’t understand why he’d left let alone anything else and maybe he’d never tell her about Robert, but she deserved to know who he was, from him, not a tabloid.

He was ready now.

*****

Maybe he should’ve known deep down that she’d be ok, that’d it be easy, but back then he was still doubting himself let alone be able to be sure of her reaction. As she shouts across the bar about a Dingle party though, he actually feels at home and he feels stupid for leaving it so long to come back.

“Cain, make sure you tell Robert about it, he can bring Diane and Victoria.”

“Since when were you so keen on Robert?” He can’t help himself asking. She’d never been that big a fan of them being mates.

“He’s different now he’s back. Anyway he’s your mate!”

“Was.” He didn’t want to get into it.

“It’s been hard for him being back. You know what this place is like, and then his Dad threw him out, hadn’t been home a week. They never made up before he died.” He’d known Jack had died but not the rest, and that part of him that would perhaps always be there, wants to go and find him. It won’t do either of them any good though.

*****

The party is the usual Dingle madness and he spends most of it trying to explain stuff to Sam about his job. He sees Robert come in and take a seat at the bar. He looks different, less confident, tired. Their eyes meet and neither one of them will look away until Cain calls him over. When he looks back again, Robert’s disappeared.

It’s gone eleven when he steps outside, the pub too stuffy and noisy and the party shows no sign of winding down. He’d always liked the village at night, quiet and not so stifling. He’d often sneak out and wander round when he couldn’t sleep.

He’s drawn to the pavilion and he sees him before he realises, face lit by the screen of his phone.

“Party too much for you was it?”

“Something like that. Your lot can drink can’t they!”

“What are you looking at?” He points at the phone and Robert tilts it towards him and he’s taken back to that day in the village hall, when they’d been messing about taking daft selfies.

“You kept it?”

“Of course I did.” Aaron couldn’t believe it really. Not that he’d kept it as such, but that he’d taken time to transfer it to a new phone. Robert shoves the phone into a pocket and looks up. “What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be slurping out of a welly or something?”

“No chance. Fancied a walk. I should’ve said...I’m sorry about your Dad.” Robert just shrugs. “Mum told me what happened.”

“Doesn’t matter. So, fully qualified mechanic now eh? Next stop Formula One?”

“Doubt it. It’s fun though.”

“I’m glad Aaron, really.” He lets out a breathy laugh. “Funny how things change isn’t it? You, off following your dream, and me, stuck here.”

“Nothing stopping you doing the same...you told me to make something of myself. Why not take your own advice?”

“Maybe. Vic’s here, we’re close now. I guess I just don’t have that confidence to do it anymore.” He doesn’t have any idea what to say to that.

“You know, you were right about Mum. She was mad, but only because I’d kept it from her and finding out the way she did.”

“Amazing really considering I get everything else so wrong.”

“Like what?”

“Throwing my exams away, stuck in the village...you.” Aaron can’t look at him.

“Robert…”

“I should’ve told you how I felt, never should’ve pushed you away like I did.”

“So, why do it?”

“To protect myself, I suppose. It felt like if I clung onto you, eventually you’d realise I was a waste of time, that you didn’t want to wait for me and you’d leave and it would’ve hurt all the more. If I told myself it was nothing I could deal with it.”

“You told me I meant nothing, that it was all in my head. That’s a lot more than protecting yourself.” He’s pacing because a few years ago this was all he wanted, and now...now he didn’t know what he wanted. “This isn’t fair.”

“I know it isn’t but I can’t help it. If I don’t tell you I won’t get the chance again will I? You’re settled now from what your Mum tells me.”

“Just...explain it to me again.”

“You’re so good, you would either have stood by me no matter what, spent two years doing nothing waiting for me to come home. Gone to work at the garage...just stayed the same. Now look at you! I would’ve held you back if you’d stayed with me. Or like I said, you would’ve got fed up, started to hate me and I couldn’t handle it.”

“It wasn’t your choice to make!”

“I had to make it, because I knew you wouldn’t. It was for the best and you know that deep down.”

“Really? For who? Not for me. I spent months heartbroken over you, all alone. Did it make you feel better?” He shook his head, “I knew I shouldn’t come back. I should’ve stayed in France, with Ed.”

“Do you love him?”

“You don’t get to ask me that, not now you don’t.”

“It’s a simple enough question.”

“I can’t talk to you about him.” His head is all over the place. Robert was right, deep down he’d know why he’d pushed him away but he’d told himself he’d imagined Robert felt anything for him. Now he knew he did, it just left him confused.

“I am sorry...for it all, but you’ve done ok, haven’t you?”

“Doesn’t make it right, Robert. You have no idea. I was in France, on my own, missing you and hating you at the same time.”

“I can’t say anything other than sorry, can I?”

“I have to go.” Robert just nods, looking disappointed and Aaron forces himself to walk away.

*****

He doesn’t see him again for a while, he doesn’t appear in the bar at all and he can’t deny being just a bit disappointed despite himself. He’s due to leave the next morning and he can’t wait now, all the reasons for leaving coming back to him. He needs the distance, to forget all about Robert again. It’s brought up too many questions, especially him asking if he loves Ed. He couldn’t answer, because he doesn’t know. Ed’s kind and they have fun, but Aaron’s still closed off with him. It shouldn’t be like that and he knows there’s only one person he’s ever been completely himself with.

This time it’s him who’s sat at the pavilion when Robert walks up the hill. “Nicking my spot, eh?” He doesn’t answer. “Do you want me to go?”

“No. I’m just taking one more look around before I go tomorrow.”

“Oh.”

“You hurt me you know, back then, and I know why and maybe I would’ve done the same but...it hurt for a long time.”

“I know.”

“Do you think if we’d...if I’d stayed, could we have made it once you came home?” Robert drops down beside him.

“I don’t know, being in there...I wasn’t at my best when I got home, pushing everyone away. You know, your Mum was the one who told me to pack in my nonsense, and then Cain offered me a job...made me feel a bit closer to you. I can’t tell you what would’ve happened...would’ve been nice to find out though, and it’s something I’ll regret forever. But you’re happy so go back to him, and forget about me.”

“You’re not though. I know you, Robert. You’re not happy at the garage, it’s not you. Why won’t you try for more?” He shrugs his shoulders, looking so defeated Aaron wants to wrap his arms round him. “You deserve to be happy too you know. Stop punishing yourself.”

“Why do you care? You won’t be here after tomorrow.”

“Because I’ll always care about you. It’s not like I ever stopped, despite your best efforts. Anyway, I’ll see you.” He gets up and walks away, swears he can feel his heart breaking, and this time it’s his own fault.

*****

He doesn’t sleep, his mind too full of all the things he and Robert could’ve done if they weren’t both so stubborn. He ignores the texts and calls he gets from Ed, feels guilty as he does because he knows why he doesn’t want to speak to him.

Then there’s Robert. Seeing him again had shaken everything up in his head, all the memories and feelings going round and round. He looks at his phone again, swiping through his photos to find it, the same photo Robert had, the one he’d never been able to delete. The two of them look so happy. How had everything gone so wrong?

He had a life now, one that he’d made, pretty much by himself, from nothing, but was it worth it if he wasn’t truly one hundred percent happy. Looking at a younger him, he felt so incredibly old all of a sudden.

It’s barely dawn when he gives up on sleep, pulling on a t-shirt and jeans, hoodie wrapped round him against the early morning chill. It’s so cold outside he can see his breath and he’s barely out of the door when the sight of Robert leant against the wall makes him jump.

“What are you doing here at this time?”

“Just wanted to say goodbye. I’m a bit early.”

“You’re an idiot.” How could he even question himself. There was never even a decision to make from the moment he saw him.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Robert’s staring at him, looking more like himself than he has the whole time he’s been back.

“Me neither.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, biting his lip as he looks at him. He pulls his gaze away to grab his phone from his pocket holding it out to Robert. “Kept looking at that. Sometimes it feels like two different people but then the memories come back.”

“And…”

“Why’re you here?”

“Because I spent all night awake trying to talk myself out of doing this, because I was so sure you were happy. Then I looked at this again,” He held out the phone again, “and the thing is I know you were happy here, and you don’t look like that when you talk about him.”

“You seem to be reading a lot into a photo.”

“You kept it.”

“So did you.”

“Yeah, and I know why I kept it. If I’m wrong tell me and I’ll go.” Maybe it was always going to be this way. Maybe they had always been heading here, everything else just obstacles to be got over on the way.

“You’re not wrong.”

“So…” That familiar spark is there again, in his eyes, and it makes Aaron smile.

“So, are you going to kiss me or what?” Robert laughs and pushes him back against the wall, lips meeting in a rush, and it’s right, out here in the cold, it’s all as it should be. Everything else can wait until later.

  
  
  
  



End file.
